The cake my grandma used to make

Trigger Warning! Grief.

I thought I wasn't going to have an article to write this Christmas. It was expected to be about boxes and packing. Enjoying the Christmas corner and just waiting to move into our new home. And it is about that. But grief has also made its way into it. Very sneakily.

This is my first Christmas without any grandparents. Without my grandma, Mama. Now I understand how grief isn't a linear process. It comes and it goes and it's the little things that just poke at you. When I woke up this morning, I decided I'd bake something. As I was thinking about it, a voice in my heart said "kókuszos" (the one with coconut). My parents have my grandma's recipe notebook, so I asked them to look for this one. It was right there, her handwriting on the first page of some recipe book. With a note saying that it's suitable for the red baking tray and it's "finom és szapora" (tasty and... easy to make in abundance). I found a bit of herself in that list of ingredients and instructions. It made me feel so happy.

Grief is not only sadness and missing someone. It's also remembrance and the joy of finding something that connects you beyond the limits of life, time, space...

I didn't have a red baking tray, but I know which tray she was referring to and have one of the same size. I didn't have all the ingredients, so I nipped to the shops quickly. I made it. I put a bit more rum than the recipe said, but she always did that too. It tastes exactly like she used to make it.

My heart goes out to everyone grieving this Christmas. I also send my love to all those who get to spend their holidays with the people most dear to them, may it be face to face or long distance. And a warm hug to those who prefer to be alone or don't celebrate. I wish you all a peaceful time. ❤️